It’s Boxing Day and as tradition would have it, my cousin and I opted for skipping out on our blood relatives to go see a movie. Normally I get to choose the film and he buys, but this year I decided to be the bigger man and give him choosing rights while I pick up the tab. He’s always been a huge Tolkien fan for as long as I can remember, so I knew the obvious selection for him this holiday would be The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies. Sure enough I was right. Now, I’m not downing Tolkien or Tolkien fans, but I’ve never really cared for the fantasy world he’s created. It could be that my introduction to the Lord of the Rings was a terrifying cartoon edition that haunted me throughout my adolescence or that I was too preoccupied with Harry Potter to care. Either way, I’ve gone this far without seeing or reading any of the LOTR trilogy or The Hobbit. Luckily for me I was warned that our Boxing Day movie would be said film a day early so I tried to catch up by watching An Unexpected Journey and a bit of The Desolation of Smaug the night before. I didn’t get very far. Basically going into this movie I knew that Bilbo Baggins was chosen to tag along with Snow White’s seven dwarves by Magneto in a grey wig to steal treasure from Benedict Cumberbatch in a dragon costume. Also somewhere along the way the beautiful elves and their magic blonde weaves were trying to catch up and something about Luke Evans being Prince Charming? I don’t know. Oh, also there are giant spiders and Bilbo has that kickass invisible magic ring that 12 hours of footage was fought over 10 years prior. I never thought I would say this, but thank god for Tumblr. Honestly if there’s any fantasy or sci-fi series you’re trying to learn as much as you can about, go there. You’ll have to sift through some serious fan fiction along the way, but any bit of research helps sometimes?
So movie day arrived and I assumed I was ready enough….and then it happened. We opted for my favorite local movie theater/tavern with a FULL BAR. I ordered two margaritas for myself and my cousin and we let the movie commence. We eventually ordered two more beers each, but I’m happy to say that beyond the mini-haze in my brain I watched the entire movie and took diligent mental notes. This is my alcohol-induced commentary/review of The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies from a non-Tolkien fan.
To start, I’m a little disappointed in how quickly the dragon was killed. I mean he created so much fuss at the end of DOS that I assumed would end in lots of bloodshed. Granted, he did basically slaughter an entire town with his firey breath and deep-rooted accent but still. Also, how did word of Smaug’s death get out SO quickly? Luke Evans put a spear through his heart and all of a sudden everyone in Middle Earth just knows the treasure in the cave is up for grabs? This begs the question, how big is Middle Earth? I’m guessing the size of New Zealand…
Moving on. Coming from a non-Tolkien fan I was kind of surprised by the love story plot. I mean, I’ve always associated these movies more with the fighting and the story of friendship and, I don’t know, adversity? The love story between Tauriel and Fili (or Kili I can’t remember?) seemed just a bit excessive and not super paramount to the story. I know that I’m probably missing a huge plot point here between Legolas and Tauriel but remember I’m new to this. Just let me have my moment here. That being said there was hella sexual tension between them obviously so I’m guessing they eventually get together or something. Moving on to sexual tension let’s talk about Lee Pace’s eyebrows. I would go out on a limb and say that BOTFA will most definitely be nominated at the Academy Awards for visual effects, but Lee Pace is truly a beacon of hope for makeup artists out there looking to get an Oscar nom. I will also always praise Pace’s acting capabilities, but between Guardians of the Galaxy‘s Ronan the Accuser and and Elf King riding an Elk you really just have to love everything about him.
Now let’s talk this battle. I mean after all it’s the centerpiece of the film. Perhaps some Tolkien aficionado can correct me here, but where the hell was the fifth army?! I mean it was even stated the battle was happening between the dwarves, men, elves and orcs so I sat there for maybe 20 minutes sipping on my beer having an existential crisis over the fifth element to the battle. Is it interpretive? It is GREED ITSELF?! That would actually be an awesome plot twist, but until I figure this out I’m clueless. Another issue I had with the battle was the ridiculousness of the thing. After the initial fighting scene at the valley of the mountain these giant ass sandworms came out of the ground and before I could say anything one of the dwarf soldiers yelled, “Oh, come onnnn!” I’m with you, dwarves.
The battle ended eventually and there was an almost touching moment between Legolas “Daddy Issues” Greenleaf and Elf Lord Thranduil Ice Dragon Eyes, mostly dead dwarves, and a realization that Martin Freeman was in the movie at all. Serioiusly. Looking back on the experience he’s barely in the movie, or at least, I was least invested in his life the entire time. I don’t know if I’ll be more tempted to sit through Lord of the Rings after this experience, but I’m glad I got to drink and watch the adventure play out #onelasttime as the posters say. Also, the cast list for The Hobbit series as a whole is really incredible and impressive to say the least. I’m excited to see how this final film does in the Academy Awards if they pick up some nominations. If anything we needs to get a mini statuette for the dwarf playing the large horn. That guy deserves it.
Hollywood Gingerisms 